"Integrity!!"

April 3, 2012.......

Has something ever just bugged the living day lights out of you so much so that you find your soul crying out?  I am in that place, that space where I know that I am compromising my integrity, the integral part of my genuine, authentic self, and to that I say NO!!  I can't rush God, he's not finished with me yet, I am still a work in progress and my problem is that I do want to rush him, I want to rush my situation and circumstances.    There's a part of me that feels like I must help God out, as if God doesn't know what he's doing.  I get nervous and begin to panic when I can't see the end from the beginning and I know that that's where faith must kick in, my faith has to be the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of the unseen.  I have to stand and when I've done all I can do to stand, I must stand some more, regardless of what it looks like, regardless of what it feels like.......the pain, the anguish, I don't want to endure anymore is what I hear and tell myself, yet I know that there must be a lesson in all of this for me and if I don't take the test the way the teacher has written it and I go and try to make my little changes along the way then what I am essentially doing consequently is really just cheating........what I am ultimately saying to God is, "I don't like this test, I will design my own, or God just look the other way I'll help you out a little over here"

NOT!!

It doesn't matter how many tears I may have to cry, then I guess I will cry.  It doesn't matter how lonely I will be, I guess I better find me a good book.  It doesn't matter how much pain I have to endure, then I will endure it, because this I know, there isn't a tear in this world or a pain in this universe that compares to a compromised integrity, that is a soul pain, when your integrity is compromised that goes in on the deepest of levels, cuts to the core, and I have been cut from one side of my body to the next and never, ever have I felt nor endured any infliction of pain like that of a self-inflicted pain of the spirit man, the soul man that cries out NO-Lo, Don't Go!!

I know that I must be right on the cusp of something great, something bigger than I could think or imagine because the devil is so damn busy, attacking me on every level, especially in the area of my finances, this is where he'll trip you up, make you stumble, shut everything down, shut everything off and then say, now what are you going to do?  Show you a way out, take you to the top of the city like he did Jesus and say "I will give it all to you, BUT?"  The tempter, we must be careful with what the bible calls divers temptation, my grandmothers used to say "That ol' devil"  They were right, that ol' devil, sits in the cut, and patiently waits.  I am just sitting here as I am writing, I'm thinking about how clever, sly and cunning the enemy is, he's a hater and I feel stupid right about now, I let my guards down.  I allowed the enemy, En-E-Me......

I don't want to be a statistic, a coulda, woulda, shoulda!!  My tombstone reading that my talents, dreams, goals, ambitions are buried in that grave unfulfilled, (that ain't cute, nor is it sexxxy).  That's Not Hott!!

So, it's soulution time!! What am I going to do about it?  First things first.  #1) Forgiveness..Dear Heavenly Father please forgive me for being lead astray, missing the mark, and quite frankly please forgive me for being afraid, and yes I said it, being afraid, having FEAR, fear of loneliness, change, & courage and equally as important, I today give Lolita permission to forgive Lolita!!   #2) Action......The time has come for me to take action in all areas in MY  life.  If I need someone to show me how to manage my finances and show me how to make a budget and stick to it then I will find that person and do it!!  I realize that I don't know how to manage money properly, I have champagne dreams on a beer budget.  I will take a more aggressive action with my health, I am a "Walking Woman that Wins" but I also need to step it up in other areas.  I will take action in my spirituality and work on my soul woman.....  #3)  Organization......OMG!!  I am so un-organized that I can't see straight.  It's ridiculous how un-organized I am, if I just start there everything else probably will work itself out...lol.   #4)  Time Management....  I must put myself on a clock and start using it.  My time isn't managed from one minute to the next.  I have got to manage every minute of every day for myself and I may need a personal assistant to help out.  When I get my finances in order and figure out how much of an allowance I will be able to yield to myself I would be more than willing to hire a personal assistant as well as a house keeper to tie up some of the loose ends in my life.

1. Integrity;  uncompromising adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character,  honesty  2. the state of being whole or entire; 


2. Integral;  of or being as an essential part of the whole; necessary to completeness; 

Until I get my weight under control I will always feel like I have compromised my integrity.  I won't feel whole, entire,or complete, my weight is obese and to that I say "Hell NO, Lo Don't Go!!"  Being healthy, fit and lean has to be incorporated as an integral part of my very existence, that is essential and necessary for Lolita to be complete, un-compromised........

"We cannot choose how many years we will live, but we can choose how much life those years will have.  We cannot control the beauty of our face, but we can control the expression on it.  We cannot control life's difficult moments, but we can choose to make life less difficult.  We cannot control the negative atmosphere of the world, but we can control the atmosphere of our minds.  Too often, we try to choose to control things we cannot.  Too seldom, we choose to control what we can......our attitude."   By John Maxwell


" I have to live with myself, and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able, as days go by,
Always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don't want to stand, with the setting sun,
And hate myself for things I have done.
I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself
And fool myself, as I come and go,
Into thinking that nobody else will know
The kind of man I really am;
I don't want to dress up myself in sham.
I want to go out with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect;
But here in the struggle for fame and pelf
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
That I'm bluster and bluff and empty show.
I can never hide myself from me;
I see what others may never see;
I know what others may never see;
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself, and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free."    By John Maxwell


"Though you cannot go back
and make a brand new start, my friend
Anyone can start from now
and make a brand new end!!!"   By John Maxwell


"Loving you more than forever, and forever more I'll always love you.......   By Lolita Jackson